From early adulthood until my mid 30’s, I never shared any of my experiences with anyone outside of immediate circle.

And by circle, I mean my kids and partner. I’m very much an introvert and staying to myself feels peaceful. It feels safe. 

Then i started slowly making a few online friends through my business collaborations and small Facebook groups.

Those friendships have lasted the better part of 10 years now. 

Lots of theories have been tossed around over the years. And I’ve entertained the majority of them with a very open mind. But nothing seemed to fit for me. Nothing ever really clicked. 

Then Jan 2023 happened, the mauling. 

Of course trauma changes people. It’s expected. It was a horrific attack. I believed, in that moment, I was going to die. And I remember very clearly how calm I felt about it. How matter-of-factly it felt. 

But how I felt afterwards was separate from the trauma. 

It was about a week after I was home from the hospital. I decided I would give a hot shower a go, on my own without assistance. 

I managed to undress, get into the shower, and get the water going. 

I stood under the shower and closed my eyes. I visualized the hot water showering down on me as a bright, warm, cleansing light. 

In my minds eye, I accepted this cleansing light into my body. I visualized it swirling around in my brain, filling my face, down my throat, into my chest, and filling up my body. 

Cleaning me of all the stress, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and pain. 

I visualized this warm cleansing light change to a dark dingy color as it absorbs all that negativity. Flowing through my body collecting it all.

Then I released it by visualizing this dark dingy light, leaving my body at my feet. Circling around in the bottom of the shower, and swirling down the drain. 

Everything bad, everything blocking me, everything harming me…washed away. 

And there he was. The Tall Man. Right there clear as day in my minds eye. 

I started sobbing uncontrollably. Letting out so much emotion and grief. And suddenly the thought came to me as clearly as I saw him.

He was me. He was never a man. It’s always been me…an extension…a higher self.

It was me standing on the other side of my bed when I was 10 years old. The witch was pointing to me. She brought me….me. 

I would have horrible dreams when my first daughter was born. Intrusive ones depicting the thousands of things that could happen to her or go wrong, even tho they weren’t rational. 

It was me at the foot of her bed every night watching over her. 

It was me, watching my husband and I in the bedroom doorway that day. 

It was me who the paid all the outstanding bills and went to the extra jobs and got the rent money drove by my kids on the side of the road. 

While I sleep, and worry and stress, I send an extension of myself to take care of what needs to be taken care of. 

The night of the mauling, I was there. Helping myself survive that attack. 

Even tho I was at peace with death, myself knew my family would still need me. 

And exactly one year later…January of this year…My grandsons 21 year old father, my daughter’s best friend of 12 years, lost his battle with depression and left this earthly plane.

It destroyed our foundation from the inside out. I witnessed everything inside My 20 year old daughter shatter to pieces. 

It’s been 8 months and there are days when grief comes crashing in like a wave. 

I don’t let my mind think about what their lives would be like right now had I not survived the mauling. 

I still don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how or why myself comes to help me.

I don’t know what it’s called. Is it time travel? Is it astral projection? Is it…hell idk.

I also don’t know if this was the end goal. I don’t know if the “tall man” will show up again. Or if this was the last thing I needed myself for?

I don’t believe I have some special Divine Purpose or prophecy to fulfill. 

But I do believe that I’ve made it this far with a whole lot of help and I’m so grateful that I never let myself give up. 

…….

September is Suicide Awareness month. 

If you or someone you know is struggling, there is help. And I promise YOU MATTER. More than you could ever imagine.